Sorry I have been MIA from the blog the past few weeks, I haven't been in much of a writing mood. I have been dealing with some personal things.
I have been very down, blah, and just not feeling like myself since Paisley was born. I have been constantly overwhelmed with all the kids by myself. I yell way to much at the big girls and strain our relationship greatly most days, and I let Brayden wither away in front of the tv for hours a day, all while feeling stuck on the couch with no energy or enthusiasm to get up and live life. A lot of days I feel lonely, I overeat, and I sleep horrible, I am just not myself. I feel trapped in some one else's body. My mood swings are out of control. I can go from happy and content to crazy angry and yelling to feeling like crying my eyes out all within a matter of minutes.
I know "baby blues" are always possible after you give birth, but I never thought I would have it. I am not sure if what I am experiencing is "baby blues" or just really bad hormonal changes due to getting my tubes tied. I did not feel like this with my other babies, at least not to the extent that I do now. Doctors are quick to tell you that there is no relation with getting your tubes tied and hormonal changes, but based on my mood, I feel otherwise. This past week, I finally talked to my doctor about how I have been feeling, and hopefully will be feeling better in a few weeks (praying for sooner). We agreed the best course of action, in my case, was to go on Lexapro. I hope it starts to kick in over the next few weeks. I never thought I would need to be put on something, however, if the medication helps me turn this all around, then so be it.
It has been very hard with 4, much harder than I ever thought it would be. I never wanted to have 4 kids and I stressed and worried my entire pregnancy, but it was obviously in God's plan for our family and he is never wrong. I love Paisley and wouldn't change having her for anything in the world. She makes me smile and I know she will bring so much love and joy to our world that we would be greatly lacking with out her here.
I was worried about how Brayden would be with her, but he has been amazing with her. He always wants to hold her and give her kisses; I think he is very proud to be her big brother. However, he has become increasingly insistent on getting my attention any way necessary, whether that is being overly sweet or throwing mega fits. Maddi and Ella also love and adore her and constantly want to hold her, and they also try to keep her from crying as much as they can, they are awesome big sisters.
I hope that the medicine kicks in soon so I can get back to feeling like myself with my amazing family. They deserve so much more than I give to them.
I am sure postpartum isn't overly talked about or that if what I am feeling could be from my tubal, but I wanted to put it out there. If you are down, I don't think medication should be your first choice, but sometimes it may end up being the best choice. The main thing is that you keep yourself healthy for your family and talk to your doctor about your feelings sooner rather than later.
17 hours ago