Monday, October 28, 2013

Funk Funk Funk

I am in a funk!
I am in a stay at home, watch tv and cruise facebook all day kind of funk.
I am in a workout and eat right funk.
I am in a "I don't like my post baby body" funk.
I am in a mom funk.
I am in a wife funk.
I am in a find joy in the small things funk.
I am in a funk!
*The word funk is starting to look funky*
I have been in and out of this funk for about 10 months now, I guess it started around the time I found out I was pregnant with number 4.  I did not want a 4th baby, but there was nothing I could change at that point.  I never had a number in my mind of how many kids I wanted, but I felt overwhelmed and stressed the moment I heard I was going to have 4.  I thought I had it figured out with 3.  Two girls and one boy, that was perfect for me, that was my completed family, or so I thought.  God had other plans for me.  I couldn't (and still don't) understand why I am meant to have 4 kids.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids with every ounce of my being, but lately I am finding it hard to find the joy.
I don't laugh like I used to.
I don't love on my older girls like I used to.
I don't engage with Brayden like I should.
I send my kids off to play away from me.
I yell, I am easy aggravated, I roll my eyes,
I am an unhappy mom.
I feel like a terrible mom and I feel sorry for my kids.  I find myself thinking that I would not want to have me as a mom.
There are good days, where I feel amazing, where I love being a mom to 4, where I find joy in the small things that we do together.  Those moments I try to take a picture of, those moments I put on Instagram and post to facebook, those moments are just a small glimpse into my life.  The funk moments, those don't make the posting cut.
I feel terrible knowing that their are women who struggle to get pregnant and want kids with every fiber of their being, and I was so disappointed and unhappy with my situation.  I have to realize that this is my journey and that is just how I felt.
I have to find a way to snap out of my funk, to find my zest for life again, to find joy in my kids and my husband, to figure out my destiny in life.
*This is a honest post with my honest feelings, please no bashing or being rude!*


Amanda @ Life in bloom said...

I'm just now catching up, I'm so sorry you're feeling that way! I really hope things will turn around for you soon. I know how awful that feeling is, and it feels like you can't do anything about it.


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